3 Sex Lessons We Learned From Game of Thrones

1. Having Shared Goals Matter

Their first meeting was full of tension—they both have a claim to the Iron Throne—but they discovered common ground in their mutual devotion to defeating the Army of the Dead. Dany agrees to let Jon mine some dragon glass, and he gives her his allegiance. And then they had “we’re the last hope for humanity” sex. If only they’d taken one of those AncestryDNA tests first.

The Lesson: What matters is having a shared vision of your life goals, both as a couple and individually. “I have seen violated expectations and conflicting life goals ruin relationships,” says Kale Monk, Ph.D., a professor of family science at the University of Missouri. “I’ve had clients call off their engagements because one wanted to have children and the other didn’t.” If you want your relationship to last, identify the metaphorical White Walkers in your life, and make sure you’re both on the same page regarding how you’re working together to vanquish them. This couple is modern in that each makes compromises to support the other and strengthen their union.2Escape a Toxic Relationship: Cersei and Jaime Lannister

These twins bring out the worst in each other, and often it’s driven by lust. Think Jaime pushing a child off a tower because he catches them in the act, or the couple going for it next to the body of their dead son. Each has tried breaking it off, but they always get back together.

2. Small Lies Add Up

Baelish, aka Littlefinger, tried (oh, how he tried!) to win Sansa’s trust, making her believe that he was the only one who truly had her back. But as it turned out, his romantic overtures were calculated and political. (And Sansa’s mom, Catelyn, was the one woman he really loved.)

THE LESSON: Nobody is a Littlefinger from the get-go. Dishonesty usually begins slowly, with little white lies, and the more lies you get away with, the more you’re likely to lie, according to a University College London study. When your deceptions are exposed, there might not be an assassin sister with a blade waiting for you, but your relationship essentially gets its throat slit. “Once the trust is broken, all trust is broken,” says Gottlieb. “Earning it back is challenging and sometimes impossible. A significant breach of trust, even if the relationship lasts, will often taint the relationship in ways you can’t fully repair.”

3. Know When to Say No: Melisandre and Stannis Baratheon

In one sense, Melisandre and Stannis were a good match. She was convinced he was the one true king of Westeros, destined to become Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. It’s nice to have a partner who believes in you so unconditionally. But Melisandre also told him to burn his only daughter, Shireen, as a sacrifice, and he did it. This, clearly, indicates problems.

THE LESSON: The only way to correct a controlling relationship is by trusting yourself and setting boundaries, says Sharie Stines, Psy.D., a California-based therapist. “Know where you begin and end and where the other person begins and ends,” she says. “Don’t confuse your identity with theirs. Remind yourself that you are only responsible for yourself—your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, not anyone else’s.” There is a difference between couples mutually expanding each other’s worldview and emotional manipulation. “Being completely dependent on a partner, where they have all the decision-making power, makes us lose our autonomy and sense of self,” says Monk. If your partner tries to pressure you into doing something that feels wrong or scary—something that makes you uncomfortable, like, say, sacrificing your daughter to the fire god—you can say no.